


Vacancy for an Earth-Based Position

by TheOldAquarian



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Gen, Hell is other coworkers, Humor, Oh Yuck! There's Demons in My Zine (Good Omens), References to Character Death, Screenplay/Script Format, Shenanigans, by which I mean this is all meeting notes, discorporation, internal documents more like INFERNAL documents eyyy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:41:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26238772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheOldAquarian/pseuds/TheOldAquarian
Summary: Hell's best temptation agent absconding with an angel has left a mess for the C-suite executives at infernal HQ. Meeting transcripts reveal how demonic leadership is adapting to this unexpected challenge.
Comments: 53
Kudos: 185
Collections: Ixnael’s Recommendations, Ixnael’s SFW corner, Oh Yuck! There's Demons In My Zine!





	Vacancy for an Earth-Based Position

**Infernal General Meeting Number Fifteen Million and Seven**

As recorded by Eric (3015th incarnation).

As further recorded by Eric (3016th incarnation) upon the previous Eric’s untimely discorporation. [NB: Employees are reminded that all hellhounds must be leashed unless angels are present.]

As ultimately finished by Eric (3017th incarnation) following a confirmation by Eric (3016th incarnation) that the water in the break room kitchen is indeed still poisonous.

_Edited lightly for clarity, sensitive information withheld._

Present:

Prince Beelzebub (MAY THEY REIGN ETERNAL), Archduchess Dagon, Duke Hastur, Lord Asmodeus, Sir Mephistopheles, Bob

[Indeterminate scuffling, gathering of refreshments. Hot coffee incident occurs due to amateur handling of the hot water valve, resulting in second-degree burns.]

Dagon:

Shall we begin with reciting the Oath to Everlasting Darkness?

[Mumbled agreement, slide changes to depict the Oath]

We the condemned of Hell pledge [REDACTED], to [REDACTED] so that we may [REDACTED] our [REDACTED]. If any [REDACTED] then let [REDACTED] scaramouche, scaramouche [REDACTED] the great [REDACTED]. We say [REDACTED]!

Beelzebub (MAY THEY REIGN ETERNAL):

Demons, this is a difficult meeting for all of us. I say this not only because Crowley was the only one who knew how to work the coffee machine and the overhead projector.

I know we were all looking forward to the end of the world, the merciless crushing of angels, and the adoption of Curlz MT as the universal mandatory font. I know also that certain members present have lost spectacular amounts of money betting on the outcome of Armageddon. 

[Packet of creamers abruptly smashed by Mephistopheles, looks of pity from room]

Beelzebub (MAY THEY REIGN ETERNAL):

In this difficult time, I believe it’s appropriate to take a few minutes to reflect on the Apocalypse that could have been, the utter devastation which might have been wrought. I’d encourage us all to think while we watch this presentation about how each of us can contribute to the despair we’d like to see in the world. Bob, start the slideshow.

Dagon:

It’s muted, Bob. Click on the left menu. The other left.

[Projector comes to life. A series of images depicting the Earth being destroyed, as created by Microsoft Paint. Diagonal wipes supersede each image. All accompanied by the sounds of Phil Collins’s “You’ll Be In My Heart.”]

[Applause. Asmodeus blowing nose into copy of incident report.]

Hastur: 

I think I speak for us all when I say that was a moving experience. 

Mephistopheles:

Well it was _an_ experience.

Beelzebub (MAY THEY REIGN ETERNAL):

Thank you to Bob and the Antisocial Committee for that meaningful message. Now, given this set of circumstances, we need to present a unified front when communicating with the rest of the horde. Also, we need to address some personnel issues. 

[Slide changes to _Not With a Bang But With an Exit Interview_ ]

The Dark Council is opening our search for an Earth Based Temptation Agent (Class II), and we are encouraging applications from any demons who are looking to make a career change and ideally have stellar anti-angel credentials. Any demon in attendance at this meeting is encouraged to apply.

Any questions about this posting?

Asmodeus:

Yeah, erm, does infernal intelligence think it’s likely that surface agents are at risk of being exposed to holy water? It’s just that--well the traitor might be using it to water his primroses for all we know.

Beelzebub (MAY THEY REIGN ETERNAL):

Current intelligence reports suggest that the traitor is on a holiday in Portugal buying pasteis de nata for an angel and engaging in activities that include beachcombing, cuddling, and taking documentary photographic evidence of all of his meals. Given these bizarre behaviors, he is to be treated with the highest level of caution.

Hastur:

 _We_ never get to go on holidays. Will the new Temptation Agent get to go on holidays to Portugal, or do you have to have invented Original Sin for that?

Dagon:

Hastur, give it a rest with that, will you? 

Hastur (muttered):

Could have been the Frog of Eden, that’s all I’m saying. 

Beelzebub (MAY THEY REIGN ETERNAL):

Dagon, our representative from Demon Resources, will go over a brief list of additional changes the Dark Council has made in the wake of the world not ending.

Dagon:

Thank you Prince of Darkness, may you reign eternal. So I think we’re all familiar with what happened, or rather didn’t happen, at the airbase. Since the demon Crowley has apparently betrayed the infernal cause, spurned the side of Lucifer, and [REDACTED] an angel, the following have gone into effect.

  1. That the traitor’s desk has been seized, his watches auctioned off, his secret jar of toffees redistributed among an unnamed group of executive fiends. 
  2. That a pot of succulent perennials belonging to the traitor have been ritually burned in high-grade hellfire, during which they were heard to utter that, quote ‘we are already dead in every way that matters.’
  3. That all Employee of the Month awards given to the traitor are declared retroactively void.
  4. That the award for Best Dance in the Infernal Talent Show, previously known as the Golden Serpent, will now be known as the Duke Ligur Memorial Medal.
  5. That the instagram account @Cursed2Crawl will lose its verification previously provided by the Department of Public Relations.



[Proceedings interrupted at this stage by Mephistopheles’ hellhound biting multiple assembled demons, knocking over centerpiece of carrion flowers]

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this little fic! If you enjoy short fics about demonic corporate leadership, you'd probably like [Fiendish Incarnations: A Love Story From Hell](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22163299). If you are fond of weird formats, you might enjoy [Anthony J. Crowley, Retired Demon and Airbnb Superhost](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21723022).


End file.
